Happy because of what I've experienced, and what I still get to experience, while I'm here.
Sad because my time here is almost up, and there's so much more I wish I could do.
Happy because I get to go home and see my family, friends (and Nala) in less than two weeks.
and Sad because I'm not home yet and wish I was.
This mix of emotions is not helping my mental state. At one moment I'm so happy, the other I'm so sad - all for different reasons. I took the time this afternoon to look back on all of my blog posts, and even though it feels like I've been here for SUCH a long time, I also remember everything as if it happened yesterday. Time has flown by, yet at the same time I feel like going home can't come soon enough... why do I feel this way!?
I think it has to do with a lot of things, and as I read back through my posts, it really helped me to realize that.
1. I've never been out of the country - this was a major life-changing event for me, something I'd never experienced, and to be honest, it's not all it was hyped to be, and at the same time is more than I ever could've imagined. For example, vacationing out of the country sounds like, and is a wonderful experience: relaxation, sight-seeing, tourist attractions, crazy animals and plants, etc. For me, that's my every weekend, and it really is incredible. However, at the same time, I'm working out of the country, and living out of the country - and that's a different story. When every meal is consumed at a foreign food cart and every night is spent in a hostel bed, it starts to affect you. When you're lesson planning, creating activities, meeting students, attending meetings - in a place that's brand new and completely different than what you're used to, it starts to affect you. I think that this contradiction has a lot to do with my conflicted feelings right now. I love the experience of being here, I love the things I'm learning, the people I'm meeting, and the students I'm teaching... yet I miss my bed, my kitchen, the comfort of my school and community - heck I miss Chipotle! It's just weird this fine line between work and play.
2. I'm here for work, not for play - As much as I'd like to think that this is a vacation, it's really not, and constantly dwelling in the back of my mind every time I post about an amazing weekend adventure is, "I have 10 lesson plans to finish, a VoMo song to arrange, and 4 assignments to finish for my classes back home!" At the same time however, I'm the one that knocks on all the hostel doors encouraging the girls to, "Sleep when we get home, we're only in Singapore once!" How can I not be a vacationing-tourist while here? And how can I not go and see all the amazing things that the island has to offer on my days off...? Another contradiction weighing down my mental stability.
3. I'm experiencing so much, and at the same time, not enough - my CT and I are constantly joking about how short of a time I actually have here, and how she wishes that I could stay longer, or that I could've come later in the year. Term 1, and just January in general, is a lot of getting ready for the year to get into full swing, planning but not starting, etc. Students aren't sitting for exams or getting into in depth lessons, and teachers are still warming up, switching classes, adjusting time tables... However, at the same time the year is fresh, there are a lot of fun introductory activities going on (level camps, CCA fair, Chinese New Year celebrations) and I've gotten to be apart of all of them. I've also gotten to observe about one of every class possible - Biology, Chemistry, Physics, English, Math, Geography, Rev-Up, In-Touch, and ELD and Special Ed next week. I've gotten to attend a staff meeting, department meeting, and PLC meetings every week. I've gotten to experience all of this, but at the same time, I feel like I haven't really experienced any of it. One math lesson? I want to see 10! (that might be a stretch ;)) 1 Special Ed observation in my last week here - I can't even imagine the questions that I'll have. The whole experience is so much, and at the same time, not enough...
4. I get to teach, and I don't get to teach - This has been one of the greatest stresses yet: I went into the ITC program thinking I'd have to plan and teach 2 lessons while I was here - which seemed in itself a lot considering time to adjust, time to observe, time to learn student names. Let me tell you, I've gotten to teach more than that, and it's been wonderful - but it's also added so much to the expectation of lesson planning while also trying to lesson plan for my full takeover at home and keeping up with assignments, my thesis (oh, you know, just my masters thesis) and everything else there is to worry about - (Skype, emails, Facebook...) At the same time, I wish I could teach more. The lessons I observe my CT teach I think, "I want to be teaching that!" - and again we joke about how she wishes I had more time here to teach more lessons! So many contractions, so little time.
5. The outcome vs. the intent - Many, many things that I've observed and experienced so far in not only the school that I'm placed, but with the little insight I've gained into Singapore's education system through my connection to NIE are all obviously filled with great ideas, objectives, and intents, and similarly to back home, are all supported with very good reason. However, many of those things I haven't seen actually executed. I know it really plays into the saying, "It's easier said than done," because it really is, and in the short time that I'm here, I'm sure that makes it even more difficult - even so, I've had contradicting feelings towards a lot of experiences because of the lack in their outcome, vs. what is intended, or what the objective was to be learned. One perfect example is the corporal punishment experience (one that I will never forget, mind you) and the simple lack of understanding I have for what the real intent is behind that process. There's outspoken intent, and emphasized reasoning behind it, but is that really what's coming across to the student population? From an outsider's point of view, I'd have to say it's not. And this is an extreme example, one that contributes much more to the contradicting thoughts I've been experiencing - (one that really triggered them all, really) but I've been seeing it in other cases too - and it makes me think about being back home too. Do I have different objectives and intents for my students than what end up coming across? Does my school? What would my school look like to an 'outsider'... luckily, I'll be able to find out soon enough.
Katie and I ran into two of the NIE students who spent the last 7 weeks in Santa Barbara and returned to Singapore yesterday! (and they were already back in classes!) We scheduled a dinner date for later this week so that we could all get together and reflect on our (contradicting, I'm sure), experiences. I think this will bring the whole experience really full circle for me, and I think that they'll be able to really, honestly, answer a lot of my questions - and I can only hope I'll be able to do the same for them.
With that, I think it's time for bed - today was a wonderful day, I taught a lesson this morning all alone, my CT wanted to give me sometime, "just [me] and the students." The Sec 1's are my favorite (shhh!) because they laugh at all of my jokes and are constantly engaged and excited. Tomorrow I'm doing an inquiry based design your own experiment lab with them and I am extremely excited - I'm going to bring my iPad and take lots of pictures!!
My schedule changed around this week so unfortunately, I don't get to go to camp Sembawang with the Sec 2's, but yet again at the same time, I don't have to go to camp with the Sec 2's. I think in the end it's all working out for my benefit - I get to stay in town and observe another school site, I get to experience the Level 1 camp which is on campus at Westwood (and with my favorites;)) and I get to got to a Science class at NIE on Thursday! (which I wouldn't have been able to do had I been out of the city!) Then Friday we leave for BALI! (ahhhh!) Monday is my huge presentation and last lesson, CNY celebrations Thurs/Fri, and head home next Saturday... it's all happening so fast! (and at the same time....... just kidding ;) enough contradictions for one night!!
Tomorrow is also my KSTF interview (finally, after a few reschedules) so fingers crossed and wish me luck!
____
Cat of the Day
Today’s cat of the day goes to Nala, because I'm missing her more than anything (no contradiction to that!) and seeing her cute little face makes me so happy, and so sad, all at the same time. My favorite picture of her ever (and honestly, kind of resembles how I feel at the moment):
P.S. I can't believe this is finally the day I'm using Nala for CotD! (just made that up by the way) Jan. 20th! I would've thought I'd of caved to her cuteness sooner!!
No comments:
Post a Comment